The start of 2020 has been interesting, to say the least. It started with me flying home from Michigan after seeing my family and having two different flight delays and mishaps that resulted in me arriving in Colorado two days after I was supposed to be home. Instead of arriving home n Dec. 31st, I returned in Colorado on Jan. 2nd. I wasn’t mad about it, it was just an interesting start now that I am looking back and reflecting on the first three months of the year.
We left for the Netherlands about a week later to visit some more family, which was a pleasant surprise in how much I really liked that country - with their history, kindness, and rule following. And the rest has been much of staying at home besides the occasional meet-up with friend because ever since I returned home Jan. 2nd, I have had some kind of something. Throughout January and February, I had a constant cough, a couple of different fevers, and I am pretty sure that I caught a really nasty flu bug. I went to the doctor several times and each time they told me that I was having asthma symptoms with bronchitis and allergies, so now I have an inhaler in case I need it.
Fast forward to today. Literally, April 1st of 2020 feels like the world is playing a joke on us. I am waiting for it to retract the virus that is COVID-19 (coronavirus) and say, “Ha! It was all just a joke to get you all to be better people.” Unfortunately, that is not the case, and the world we live in today looks like this (in my opinion):
Healthcare workers have become heroes to everyone in the world because they are the only ones that are able to help others defeat a virus that doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t have a way to be stopped.
Parents are homeschooling their children and now society is realizing what a difficult and valued job education is and are finally giving the proper credit to teachers.
Social distancing is a thing - where people need to stay at least 6 feet away from each other.
Even more so, shelter-in-place is a thing where families need to stay home as much as possible so that there is not further spread of the virus.
Unless you have symptoms of COVID-19, nobody knows if they actually have it, and when we talk about shelter-in-place, that means you are only around those in your own household for that given amount of time.
The world is collectively going through the exact same thing. Together. People are likening it to a World War III, but the enemy of the world is the virus.
The world is also going through a collective grief and a pandemic, of which has not happened on such a large scale for over 100 years.
I walk my dog, Jager, everyday in my neighborhood and this is what I have noticed: 1)many people I have never seen before outside, 2) someone always has to (and they will and do) move to the other side of the road to avoid being around other people and 3) every single person I have passed so far has waved and said hi.
There is this eerie feeling that everyone knows what is going on, is a part of what is going on, yet it still feels like this giant white elephant is roaming the world.
Even though there is some much time on my hands and less distractions because you can’t really go anywhere, I feel even more unmotivated than before the pandemic.
And that last one, feeling much more unmotivated than usual, has really hit hard. I have started to question my identity, how I am contributing in this world and community, what kind of legacy am I leaving, what truly are my hopes and dreams for myself, and how do I find my passion again. I felt there was a lot of unspoken pressure to become someone that I didn’t have the energy to become. Then I came across an Instagram post from Glennon Doyle that really hit home. She talked about how listening to people tell how this is a great time to better our outward appearance is bullshit. Really, this time is for the inner work, and that really meant something to me.
Even I had bee wondering if I was doing enough and being enough during this time. I have an urge to help a lot of people, but with social distancing I can’t just leave to volunteer my time. I thought about doing a service on social media, but whenever I sat down to actually think it through, the words fell lost. I know I have skills and talents that could be used and maybe even helpful during this time, but really all I felt was helplessness. It was grief that was holding me down and what was probably holding much of the world down too. Glennon called this time the returning to you, and I really liked that. It has been like we have been lost in this newfound chaos, forgetting who we are, and this is our moment to sit back and find ourselves again.
The world is learning to appreciate themselves again, to dig deep and take a hard look at their lives, and figure out what their new normal will be after this. If anyone is left unchanged from this worldwide pandemic, I will be surprised. Many of us are, quite literally, facing what could be our last breath, and that seems to cause people (well, at least me) to begin thinking about my life and who I am while living it. How do I want people to see me? What is my passion? What feels good to me? How do I want to love and value myself?
I don’t have these answers. But I hope to explore these questions with more heart in the next month that we are still called to shelter-in-place. I want this time to be when I return to myself. Just like the coming of spring, I want new life to be whispered into my soul so that I leave these circumstances for the better and have formulated a new normal that really speaks to the way that I want to show up in my life and for others.
